New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
