I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
