i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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