dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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