so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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