I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
