man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
