Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
