I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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