buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
You left your phone here
Wait...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
