life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My vagina is very pro this idea
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize