I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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