Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
