I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
