I cockslap morals
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
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