Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
