He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
