just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The air was thick with penises
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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