the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
