How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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