Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize
