I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
