I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
