I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
