Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
