as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
