Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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