8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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