sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Randomize
