I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
