I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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