No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
