I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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