Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
