If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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