we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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