Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Randomize
