I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
