Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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