he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I did not marry a roomba.
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