Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
