she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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