the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
