seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
