ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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