you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
