I accidentally burped into my bong.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
