I'd wear matching sweaters with you
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Randomize
