your thong is hanging out like whoa
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
