I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
