so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
