i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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