Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Randomize
