I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
