His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
