cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
