It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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