3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
