Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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