I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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