I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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